It seems to me that since the birth of our nation, more lives have been lost in celebrating independence than in winning it. Perhaps it’s the collisions in the check-out lane, the heat-spoiled mayo, or the made-in-Bubba’s-garage cherry bombs. Or it could be the suicide rate of folks having their fill of picnics and hotdogs, after vowing that if they see another wiener, they’ll fling it against the vinyl siding and walk home. When is enough, enough?
If hot dogs start to seem almost like itchy socks that you forget are itchy when it’s too late, then enough is enough. If you have become so tired of the customary seedless watermelons that you long for the old thrill of finding a giant black seed—even if it looks like a carpenter ant at first glance, then enough is enough. If the sight of paper plates starts to make you angry, then enough is enough. If “kabob” seems more like a neurotic word than an exotic word, then enough is enough. And if you’d rather use potato salad as grout, then, My Friend, enough is enough.
The solution is to have an indoor picnic on your Melmac dishes. That way, you can enjoy your chocolate, without fear of it melting all over your pedal pushers. One of my favorite supplemental sweets is a chocolate caramel pie that’s not even made with chocolate. It’s called “Holy Moly!”
I’m sure it originally had another name, but every single person, without exception, who’s ever tasted this luscious concoction for the first time has exclaimed, “Holy Moly!” There is absolutely no way to cram any more fat into a single food item. I got the recipe from my mother’s friend Maxine, who is so sweet, you want to squeeze her guts out every time you see her. She has this hug-eliciting quality and comes up with recipes like this one.
First you make a pie crust with 1 ½ cups of flour, a stick of butter, and 1 cup of finely chopped pecans. You mash all that into a couple of pie plates and bake it for 10 minutes or so, at around 350 degrees, until they get tan. Then, in a pretty big bowl, mix together—this is so fattening, I can’t even write it with a straight face—8 ounces of cream cheese, a can of Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed milk, and 16 ounces of Cool Whip—my three favorite ingredients. Pour this mixture into the tan pie crusts.
Meanwhile, mix together 7 ounces of coconut, a half stick of melted butter, and a cup of chopped pecans, and spread it all out on a cookie sheet and toast it. You’ll have to really watch it and stir it a lot, or the coconut will burn slap up. Spread the toasted coconut combo on top of the pies. Then take a 12-ounce jar of caramel sauce, and pour it over the pies. That is it. Freeze them for a little while before you try to cut them, or you can just sit down in the middle of the floor with a pie and a spoon and have at it—my preferred mode of serving. But beware.
Weight Watchers may drop you from their “rolls”.