Aren’t you tired of those bumper stickers that say “My Child Is An Honor Roll Student” or “My Son Makes Straight A’s at Bigstuff Academy”? Just once, wouldn’t you prefer a little bumper-to-bumper honesty? “My Son Makes C’s and D’s But Does Lots of Extra Credit” or “My Daughter’s Just Getting By.”
I’m not sure how I feel about “Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!” Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: “My Fifteen-Year-Old’s in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us” or “My Kid Robbed a 7-Eleven and Is in a Center for Youthful Offenders.”
Let’s get rid of all those “heart” bumper stickers, too. I passed one the other day that said “I (heart) my wife” (convenient since you married her and all) and, on the other side, “I (heart) my German Shepherd.” I sure hope Bubba doesn’t get confused and feed his wife a BSLT (Beggin’ Strip Lettuce Tomato) sandwich and buy fancy nightgowns for the dog.
I prefer something like “I DON’T EXERCISE! It Makes My Coffee Spill,” “LIVE EACH DAY LIKE IT’S YOUR LAST. One day, you’ll get it right,” “Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Down My Clothes,” “It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now,” “Cover Me---I’m Changing Lanes,” “I Would Honk, But I’m On My BlackBerry,” or “If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.” Lanny Joe has threatened to “wear” the bumper sticker “Are You Going to Cowboy Up Or Just Lie There And Bleed?”
Why not something brutally honest? “Yes, I Sleep With My Secretary” or “I Get My Kids Every Other Weekend But I Don’t Enjoy Them?”
Some bumper stickers tell you more than you want to know about the jerk on board. Like: “When You Take Away My Gun You’ll Have to Pry It From My Cold Dead Fingers.” Why not just say, “I Am A Deeply Disturbed Individual With A Callous Disregard for Human Life” or, simpler still, “Feeling Postal.”
There are certain truisms in the bumper sticker world. If you see “Think Globally, Act Locally” or “Visualize World Peace” you can safely assume that person brakes for roly-poly bugs.
This may have been a bumper sticker or just a dumb quote: “As of now, I am in control here in the White House.” That was Secretary of State Alexander Haig’s statement after President Reagan was shot. Poor Alex---He was unaware that he was fourth in the line of succession.
All of these make me yearn for the “I Like Ike” bumper stickers, although I didn’t vote for him. Wait! I was only a kid---I couldn’t vote. Anyway, they were simple and to the point, without a bunch of bragging.
Gosh, I really (hearted) those days.