Our most precious commodity today is energy. Not oil, or coal or wind turbines. Bottled energy. That’s why Americans spend almost a billion dollars a year on energy drinks to keep themselves firing on all cylinders. And now these beverages are getting so specialized that each container tells you EXACTLY how long you’ll have that one-two punch. There’s 5 Hour Energy, 6 Hour Power, and 8 Hour Mr. Energy. What if 5 hours of energy is too much? Is there a 4 Hour and 15-minute Energy Drink? No, wait! With Daylight Savings Time, we need an extra hour of energy.
I thought I was so clever when I bought a Red Bull 4-pack to ensure I had enough energy to keep up with the grandkids for two days. Why did I think I could hide the cans in the back of the refrigerator, and where can I buy an anti-energy drink if the grandchildren find my next stash? You can read about the Faversham gunpowder mill explosion in the United Kingdom on April 2, 1916, when 200 tons of TNT ignited. THAT’s a grandchild on Red Bull. Fortunately, none of the kids passed gas after consuming the high-octane drink. I’d hate to have to explain to their parents how they ended up in New Jersey.
Looking back, the diet pill of the 60s, a cash crop for the pharmaceutical companies, was really “speed” and worked as a stimulant. True, I didn’t eat for 24 hours after taking my first one---I was too busy trying to figure out how to get down from our 40-ft. TV antenna. Unlike my girlfriends who had the cute figures of Sandra Dee and Annette Funicello, I was the pudgy teen who actually needed the loss of appetite. I wasn’t overweight---I just lived beyond my seams. The problem with diet pills was that they gave me a turbo surge of energy at the worst possible time---in the middle of the night. Why else would I complete chapters ahead in Plane Geometry? Or do Mother’s ironing? Or rearrange my sock drawer without being told? Or tiptoe downstairs and dance the Alligator to the song “Louie Louie”? (Diet pills worked to an advantage later, however, when I needed to stay awake and study for college exams.)
This summer’s heat makes me feel draggy. Yesterday, I decided to drink a large can of Rock Star, another energy drink that I discovered. First, I rewired the stereo system and cleverly braided the thousands of tiny wires. Then I cleaned the garage floor with a toothbrush. I began singing, “Wild thing! You make my heart sing! You make everything groooovy.” After that, I waxed the driveway.
Lanny wants to have Rock Star piped to the house.