The TourMeister for our upcoming trip to Europe has given the 50 travelers in our group an opportunity to enter a contest to win a free vacation.  The assignment is to write an essay entitled, "What I Plan to do in Paris."   

Keep in mind that Paris is the last stop in a 21-day tour.  While most of the submitted essays have painted lovely word pictures of group shots in front of the Eiffel Tower, 50 neophyte tourists cuddled in a romantic boat trip down the River Seine, or new-found friends sharing French pastries at Left Bank cafes, I'm betting my money that we won't be speaking to each other by the time we gather in an awkward cluster and stare at the collagen-starved lips of Mona Lisa.

I will have probably outgrown my slacks somewhere between Bruges and Flanders Field.  (From the Belgium chocolate, not the poppies.)  I'm sure that by the time we get to Paris my 10-piece basic ensemble that could make 128 combinations will have begun to break down.  Possibly, my Listerine will have leaked on the front of my only blouse in my suitcase and I'll have to wear it with the darts facing backwards.   (Before we board the flight home, though, I'll squeeze into my last ensemble and set fire to the rest.)  When we arrive in Paris, I will be dizzy from the bus load of tourists switching their off-key tunes from "On the Road Again" to "Mademoiselle from Armentieres, Parlez Vous."

Instead of a walking tour or bicycle tour of Paris, I will opt to see Paris via the Segway.  The decision will be remotely based on the 200-step ascent/200-step descent I endured at the Prague Castle, 21 grueling days of holding my stomach in to impress my new traveling companions, and the 5-country baggage aerobics of unpacking 67 times, and hanging enough clothes in the closets to appear that I just closed on escrow for the building.  By the time I reach Paris, I'll be drooping, and I'd be trading up to offer my arms to Venus de Milo in a swap.

The Segway is a two-wheeled battery-operated scooter that is a pedestrian enhancement device.  Its parallel wheel configuration makes it compact enough to be maneuvered through most pedestrian spaces that accommodate wheelchairs.   At its maximum operation speed of 12.5 mph, however, its maneuverability is similar to that of a bicycle.  The technology is based on an intelligent network of sensors that enable the Segway to balance and move on two wheels.  The second you stop, five micro-machined gyroscopes and two accelerometers sense the changing terrain and your body position at 100 times per second---faster than your brain can think.  The charged battery lasts 8-10 hours for a 15-25 mile journey.

All I know for sure is that it's going to be a hard sell for Lanny Joe.  "Cindy, you'll either crack the back of your head or smash your face, depending on which way you fall.  I'm sure that nine out of ten doctors recommend the Segway, because it increases business."

"Oh puh-leeze."

 He continued.  "The Segway just might be the answer to the question that nobody asked.   I'm not interested in looking like a dork, Cindy.  Can you picture John Wayne popping out a rustler's eye mounted atop a mop pail?"

"Lanny, where is your sense of adventure?" I asked, with indignation.

"I'm sure it's great if your goal is to avoid at all cost any possible physical exertion.  It's like the peanut butter and jelly in a jar.  I think I'd rather have my own personal Jetson's spaceship."

As for the essay contest, I have purposely missed the deadline since I'm a weak candidate for the 3-night vacation prize, which is located...

...on a nude beach in the south of France.

cindybaker@cableone.net