Marilyn Monroe once cooed, “I don’t know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.” Yeah, like a turnip up his nose.
Quite frankly, my little two-inch heels are close to being thrown in the trash. I’m tired of all this pain for the sake of what? Looking cute? Duh-ream on.
At one time women dusted, vacuumed, and cooked dinner in high heels (check Barbara Billingsley in “Leave it to Beaver” reruns). But with the arrival of the feminist revolution, women soon realized there was no way they could burn bras and protest in the streets while stumbling around in stilettos. They promptly shunned them for a lower heel. Sales of Band-Aids plummeted and podiatrists nearly went out of business. A few years later, shoe designer Manolo Blahnik made a splash in the world of fashion with his gorgeous high heels. Women everywhere couldn’t race to the trash can fast enough with their kitten heel pumps. A new high heel revolution was born.
We wear high heels because we want to look taller. We wear high heels because we think they make our legs look longer, our chests bigger, and our buttocks smaller. As we all stagger around like drunken sailors on stilts staggering about on the deck of a ship in the middle of a tropical storm, we secretly hope that someone happens to notice that our legs look longer, our chests look bugger, and our buttocks smaller. Ann Richards, former governor of Texas, boasted about how adept women are when she said, “Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels!”
Guys under about 5’9” probably think this whole super high heel trend is getting out of control. Four-inch heels, six-inch heels, and suddenly men are craning their necks to look up at their dates. A man in South Korea by the name of Shoeko decided to do something about the problem. The 5’5”, 24-year-old man went on a heel-stealing rampage, snagging pumps from restaurants, schools and houses. What did he do with the Louboutin loot, you ask? Tossed ‘em---the classic pump ‘n’ dump. He was caught when a TV cameraman nailed him tossing the heels in a local park.
The shoes were found to be unmolested. According to the police, Shoeko confessed that he began stealing the heels because his female friends had been mocking his stature. Before any of you height-challenged readers think about pulling a Shoeko, consider this: In South Korea, folks generally remove their shoes before entering homes and restaurants, making them easy targets for theft. In America, you would probably have to remove the shoes directly from the women’s feet.
Good luck with that.