Crow's-Feet Chronicles: Choke back the tears with chocolate
By Cindy Baker Burnett
Apr 22, 2019
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All tragedy is relative, of course.  It could be anything from an air conditioner or car battery failure to the death of the only man in the world who could trim your crepe myrtle to suit you.  If you're in any way upset by something---it's a tragedy.  A tragedy demands food, and lots of it.  I try to include items from all four major food groups---sweet, salty, fried, and au gratin.  Balance is very important to me.  I usually purr during the tragedy-thwarting feast of cleaning out the refrigerator with my face. 

Chocolate is the main staple of sedative food---the undisputed queen of all the comfort foods.  I know this in my deepest heart.  My drug of choice is clearly my famous Chocolate Fondle.  I got the recipe from my friend Millie Quagmire.  The biggest problem with the recipe is that it doesn't make very much.  I usually double the recipe so I'll have enough for a single serving, which is three pans. 

Unfortunately, it has to bake 40 or 50 minutes, which is a long time when you're suffering.  Good news:  It's really just as fine---some factions argue BETTER---eaten raw as fully cooked!  I've been known to eat entire batches of it right out of the mixing bowl, skipping the baking altogether.  Usually I'm content with leaving copious amounts of the precious goo in the bowl and sticking my face into the bowl while the oven works its magic on the major portion.  I realize it's a personal judgment call, but the recipe contains raw eggs.  Eating the chocolate goo from the mixing bowl means I sometimes risk my very own life in pursuit of instant gratification.  So? 

Here's the deal:  Beat two eggs with a cup of sugar and cup of flour.  Add teaspoon of salt.  Melt one stick of real butter in microwave and add two fairly heaping tablespoons of Hershey's cocoa.  Mix all ingredients.  Add a running-over teaspoon of real vanilla.  Pour into a greased loaf pan, set the loaf pan in a pan of water, and stick the whole business in the oven set at about 300 degrees.  It needs to cook 40 to 50 minutes.  You can't really undercook it, since it's good raw. 

Trust me.  This will be the best thing that has happened to you in a very long time, possibly ever.  From now on, for as long as you live, just the simple act of getting out the bowl to make Chocolate Fondle will have an incredibly assuaging effect on your psyche.  I can say, without fear of contradiction, there is virtually NOTHING, not one situation, that can't be faced with calm and grace and serenity if you have Chocolate Fondle.  I can eat it and feel better FAST, and when it wears off, I just make another batch.  Believe me, in no time at all, I'm grinning like a mule eating briars. 

For me, a very effective eating pattern is SWEET AND SALTY.  This combination works equally well whether I'm eating simply for recreation or if I'm engaged in my true therapeutic wolfing.  I have found that if I have sufficient quantities of satisfactory sweet (maybe Chocolate Fondle) and salty foods (Regular Ruffles, for instance), I can eat for approximately seventy-two hours straight, with maybe the odd nap thrown in here and there.  There's healing value in this.  The concept is that when I've sufficiently met my body's and soul's requirement for sweet foods, my salty needs are practically screaming for attention.  By the time I've gratified the salty, I'm happily ready for sweet again.  You probably wonder how this helps in dealing with the tragedy of my hot water heater bursting and flooding my home. 

Who cares?